Overwhelmed

I have to admit...I am overwhelmed. 

Our homestudy will be completed in record time.  And now it is time to head into phase two.  The part where the blood, sweat, and tears come--the out of country pieces.  Each document has to be notarized, county notarized, and state apostilled. 

I have told many people, if we went back to Max's country, I want to bring home two kiddos.  I feel strongly that every child is deserving of a family, regardless of his/her abilities.  I can't help  but be grateful for all the opportunities children with disabilities have in our country.  I think about where my sister Amy would be if she was born in another country. 

Since bringing Hannah home I have felt God calling us to continue adopting children with special needs.  I have no doubt that as a family, as a parent, and as a mother I can handle another child's needs medically, mentally, and physically. 

Let me back up.....many years.  When I was little, I wanted to be a nurse--to help people.  When I passed out at the sight of my own blood after pulling my tooth, I decided nursing wasn't the right path.  At that time, my youngest sister; Amy, was attending a special needs preschool classroom at the county DD.  Each spring, the entire school- kids from ages 3 to 22 would make a trip to our family farm.  It was then, that I knew I wanted to be a special education teacher.  I have always wanted to help--to help children learn to the best of their ability.  I love to root for the underdog.  I live to rejoice in the simple triumphs.  I love my job as a special education teacher.  My students in my class were my kids long before I had my own.  The kids in my class and I become a family because we are together for six years.  I feel blessed to work in the district I grew up in, the district I live in, and the district where my children go.

Yet now, as I look into adoption, I am beginning to wonder in my own ability.  Can I be a good mother and teacher?  In our district, I am the only teacher at the grade school level for children with multiple disabilities.  Any child who has multiple, intensive needs, come to me.  And so, there is a good chance that any of my own children might fit in that category.  Is it fair for me to be my child's teacher for 6 years?  If he/she doesn't succeed educationally, it's my fault as a parent and as an educator.  In the education world, I'm considered "old and expensive", meaning if I applied for another job, there are many others that are new to education and cost less money to hire. 

I know the Lord has lead me to this point.  I am in the right company--that of special needs.  I just feel that right now I am in the education department, and I need to be in the parent department.  He designed me to love children who are "wonderfully abled".  I need to find the balance and confidence to take that giant leap and see where it leads me.....

And so, I will continue to pray that God continues to guide our lives and lead us down the road that he has had planned for us.

No more pitty party....let's roll!

Adoption is near and dear to our hearts. Down Syndrome is too. So why not combine the two and give a loving home to someone who deserves the love of a father and mother? And yet, if these are things that are near and dear to my heart, why do I fear?

Down Syndrome is something I have lived with for 24 years. My youngest sister was born with Downs. Amy is the reason I became a special education teacher. Amy has touched so many lives and inspired countless people. I have spent the last 16 years in the Special Education field. I worked for 7 summers at our county MRDD and have taught for the last nine. I work with kiddos with varying abilities. Some of my kiddos are working on the very basic of skills such as responding to his/her name and activating a toy using a switch. Other students are working on various academic skills as well as being social with his/her age grouped peers.

Today after rocking Hannah to sleep, I layed down in bed with Doug. As we began to talk about a little one that is in need of a home, I began to express my concerns to him. "Can I do it? Am I good enough to parent 2 children? What will happen down the road?" All of these questions, during a rational moment, I know the answer to. I know I can do this. I know We can do this. Doug reminded me of something that our pastor said today during our niece's baptism. "God had a plan laid out for Maria even before she was born...". Doug told me he truly believes that God planted this seed in my heart because it was in my plan before I was even born. There is a little one waiting for us. It is in her plan that God made for her.

I got on the internet and visited one of my favorite blogs "Cornish Adoption Journey". In one of the posts, Meredith referenced a piece that was on Dateline recently. http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/26332429
The piece is about institutions in Serbia. We have adopted from Ukraine, and look to adopt from there again. I know no two countries are the same, but I can't help but wonder if conditions in Ukrainian institutions are similar to what I have just watched and read about. Children with disabilities in Ukraine are rarely seen in the public. I think it is shameful for people to keep a child with a disability. If a child is given up, they go to an orphanage with other "typical" children. Once the child with a disability turns 4 or 5, he/she is sent to an institution to spend the rest of his/her life.

watching that video was like a swift kick from the Lord. Urging me to take that next step. There is a little one half way across the world waiting for a deserving family. That little one deserves the chance to thrive. I may not be the best parent, yet I can offer that little one a lot of love and support every day of his/her life.

Time to leave the pity party I've been at today and roll out the paperwork. Will you please pray for us as we take the next step to bring a little one home?

That's the way LOVE goes

Well, where to begin.....

A year ago, we hosted a little man from an Ukrainian orphanage for the third summer. During his stay in America, we got a letter from the SDA in Ukraine, stating he was available for adoption.
And here is where the roll-a-coaster ride begins. On a Sunday morning, after the little man's return home to Ukraine, we received an e-mail from our translator, giving us a date of October 30 for an appointment at the SDA. Three days later, we get another e-mail (what we now know our translator was best at) sending us a simple short e-mail stating that his mother was working on getting her rights re-established. WHAT???? After four years of not seeing him, with little to no contact, now that we want to love this little man forever, you return into the picture?
Many sleepless nights followed, with many tears shed. Without knowing what to do, we continued to call our little man. We called the morning his mother came to the orphanage to get him. He told us he wanted to wait for us to come get him, but he ended up going home with his mom.
Here we are, late August 2007, with an SDA date in our laps, not knowing what to do. Doug and I both knew that God had lead us to Ukraine for a reason, so we trusted HIM and prayed lots, and traveled to Ukraine, praying that HE would make our decision clear to us.

Fast forward from October 2007 to the present July of 2008. We are incredibly blessed to have a beautiful little girl in our lives. God couldn't have made things any clearer for us. Abigail Hannah is a name we have liked for if and when we had a daughter. In our SDA appointment, they presented a file to us of a little girl named Hanna! We have been home 7 months and life is wonderful. I enjoy everyday of being a Mama. Watching Hannah grow and listening to her language expand by leaps and bounds is amazing.

About a month ago, I began thinking of all the "what ifs". What if Max's mom didn't show up? What if we chose to end our journey? What if we hadn't gone to Ukraine? What if we had passed on Hannah's referral? The one thing I know, is IF we (or someone else) had not said yes to Hannah's referral, she would have been moved to an institution at the age of 5. She would have been placed with other children with various disabilities and her chances of being adopted would have been slim to none. It makes me cry to think of it. So then I started thinking about my sister Amy (who has Down Syndrome) and how lucky she is to have been born to a family who loves her unconditionally and in a country that embraces difference. Some kiddos are not so lucky to have such circumstances.

....and that is the way LOVE goes. Doug and I have always wanted the unwanted. As a special education teacher, I love to root for the Underdog. I love to delight in the simple joys that life brings. And with that thought, many prayers, we are contemplating beginning a second journey in the hopes to add to our family.

Some may say, it's too soon. I've learned (and been reminded -thanks Megan) that if it is on your heart, it is because God has been knocking. HE knows what is best. HE knows when we are ready. Most of all, HE knows my heart and what I long for.