While I'm waiting...

Today we received news from our son's country that he will not be able to come home until July.  I've gone through a menagerie of emotions--disbelief, sad, angry, bitter, distraught, and betrayed. 

The news came today while I was at work via an email.  I did my best to decipher the emails.  Two documents were translated into English, but were still very hard to discern and decipher what the decision was.  I forward the email to Doug and talked to him on the phone.  Between the two of us and a dear friend in our son's country, we understood that Max would not be able to come next month like we had first been told, but rather would have to wait until July to come home.  At that point, I think my mind went into auto pilot.  I dove into work, concentrated on the kiddos in my class, and buried my emotions until I was alone.

When I took my daughter to the babysitter, I had a minute in the car before walking back into school that I sat and cried.  I needed a minute alone, to grieve for my son.  As I sat in the car, I thought of the song "While I'm waiting..." by John Waller.

It is so hard to convey an emotion through words.  Emotion is understood best when visualized-- seen first-hand.  Though our son has made mistakes, we are aware he is capable of good.  He deserves love just as any other child does.  It is very hard to convey my love via Skype on the computer to him.  It is also very hard for a government official to understand why we would want to bring a child who has made a mistake into our home.  In his country, I'm sure his status of 'orphan' makes him less valuable, then an orphan who has made a mistake, is seen as even less. 

While I know in my heart he best place for our son is home, I also understand that he is living in his birth country right now and has to abide by his country's law. 

So though the wait until summer will be hard on this Mama's heart, I rest in the Lord that HE has the ultimate plan, and that HE knows the pain of this Mama's heart and will carry me through until my son is home forever.  Though I'm not sure how, we feel it might be best to make a trip to see our son before summer to let him know that, yes, we are coming.  we WILL bring him home to his forever home with his family that loves him very much!
While I'm waiting, I will serve YOU LORD....

I'm Waiting ~ John Waller

I'm waiting
I'm waiting on You, Lord
And I am hopeful
I'm waiting on You, Lord
Though it is painful
But patiently, I will wait

I will move ahead, bold and confident
Takeing every step in obedience
While I'm waiting
I will serve You
While I'm waiting
I will worship
While I'm waiting
I will not faint
I'll be running the race
Even while I wait...

Monday visit, 9/5

Up at 8:00am to a ringing doorbell.  Doug looked out and didn't know the man standing at the door, so didn't answer it. (We've been given instructions not to answer the door if we don't know the person--makes good sense.)  A few minutes later, T called and asked if we had let the man in. (Uh, no.) She then told us it was the guy who was going to fix the internet in the apartment, so to let him in! :) (Ooops!)After about 20 minutes, the gentleman had the internet fixed in the apartment and was on his way.  I was still tired and have had some ear pain on & off, so I went back to bed for another hour. :)
This morning we went to exchange money, then to our little market down the street that the three ladies that work there know us as "America". (So cute!)  We bought a few potatoes, onions, and a fruit which we have yet to find in the US, but Doug enjoyed very much the last time we were here in Ukraine.  It is a persimmon.  After eating his today, he declared "It's official, we have to come back to Ukraine and adopt again, so I can have this fruit."  (I think it might be cheaper to truck in persimmons!)

A yummy lunch, then time to get ready for a visit with Max.  I called Y, who is in the capital city to see if she had heard when our appointment was, so that we could tell Max when we would see him next.  Y said she submitted things today, so she would know tomorrow, but to get tickets for the overnight train Tuesday and be in the capital city Wednesday morning.
We took the laptop with us to the orphanage so that we might be able to let Max and the girls talk.  When we arrived, we asked a lady, who turned out to be his English teacher.  She said he was still in class, but she would let him know we were there.  About 15 minutes later, and a phone call from T, Max came outside.
We were able to go into school and upstairs to his English classroom and sit where it was quiet to call the girls.  Being 7 hours ahead of Ohio time, the girls were still in their pajamas, bedhead and all.  There wasn't a lot of conversation, but I think the three kids had a good time just seeing one another.
Once we had talked to family, Max had a chance to talk to Dasha and Angie at home.  It is interesting to listen to a child in Ukraine who knows English, and a child in Ohio, who knows Russian, converse.  Dasha remembers her Russian language well, so the conversation between the two was in Russian.  She told Max to be a good boy! :)
After Skyping, we went outside and Max showed us around the orphanage grounds.  We talked about what our time in Ukraine would look like and what he could expect.  He understands that he will be gaining a brother in addition to the two sisters he has at home waiting for him.  He understood that he will have to go to court and answer questions that the judge asks of him.  I think he is ready, but wants a concrete date of "when", and that we do not have.
We finished our visit with a little bit of video games and Mama video taping him and pestering him. :)  A Max video wouldn't be complete without the signature Max eye-crossing! :)

January 14

Today is my sweet, ornery, (and stinky Mila would say) boy's birthday.  Today was his second full day back at his 'not home' as he calls it.  Today, January 14th, has been one of the hardest calendar days in the last three years.  Today is a day that I long to have my boy home.  Home here in Ohio.

I know that where he is his needs are met and he is cared for.  Yet, each night I wonder how he must feel, having no one to tuck him into bed each night.  No one to torment him about brushing his teeth nightly, taking a shower daily, a family yo sit down to dinner with.  The night before he was to fly back, he was very sullen.  I know to him, his trip to Ohio had to feel like a fairy tale come true.  As he layed in his bed, head covered in his blankets so his Mom couldn't see him crying, I uncovered his head and told him: "Papa and I have have prayed for you every day for the last five years.  There was a time I thought we might never see you again, and yet I prayed that God would have our paths cross again."  We are so thankful for God crossing our paths again.  Through his tears, he said "I thought too Mom..." (Meaning he wasn't sure he would ever see us again.)

I know as a person, as an adult, as a parent, I have my faults.  No one's perfect.  Yet, the last two nights I've wondered who has tucked him into bed--probably no one.  Who has reminded him to make good choices? Who has been there to pray with him? Pray for him?  He fits in our family.  Our families have embraced him, and love him.  How horrible it must be to go from living the fairy tale, where things are all rosy and everyone loves you, to the reality that you are one of many and it is their job to care for you.  My prayer was, and still is--that we gave him enough love as a family, and knowledge to make good choices, and faith in God to sustain him until we see him again.

And I know tonight, I am not alone in my pain.  There are many others that have felt the loss of a child--one that is theirs by blood or by love.  Someone tonight is tucking their sweet girl into bed for the last night.  A family has to say the same bittersweet good-byes tomorrow that we had Tuesday.  A family has to explain to their children why one can't stay even though the fit in the family seems perfect.  Life is a journey, just as foster/adoption is.  Sometimes parts of that journey are painful, but the parts of the journey that are filled with laughter and love are worth the pain.  That is what I have to hold on to--the laughter.

Happy 14th birthday my sweet boy.  One day, I pray you will have the family you have always dreamed of.

Lost in Thought

Tonight was a long night getting the girls to bed. If one wasn't talking, the other was crying. So I sat at the computer, staying close enough to hear them, and passing the time by looking at a friends pictures on a website.

The pictures are of a camp we know. A camp in a far away land we have visited before. A camp where a blond boy once went. A camp where that blond boy left each summer for 2-4 weeks to visit a family in Ohio who cared very much about him. And yes, I know that boy is no longer at that camp or at that orphanage, but still, I looked through close to 200 pictures, somehow hoping to see a glimpse of that boy. If he isn't here, he must be in those pictures...right?

A group gathering this weekend was bittersweet. We had all the Fostering Hope gang together, minus one. We sat and watched old hosting videos. I remember vividly that August day, almost 2 years ago, when our blond boy was getting ready to board a plane with all his friends. Our good bye was short and sweet, more of a "see you soon", rather than a "I want you to know how much I love you, in case we never meet again" kind of good bye. Our papers had been submitted, we knew it would be a short time until we saw him again....and bring him home forever.

And here I sit, close to 2 years later, praying for that boy, so far away. He is alone, in an orphanage again, with no family to call his own. Each day I think about him. I pray for him. I want him to know how much we love him. I want him to understand the love of the eternal Father, even when it seems the world has turned on him. I pray he doesn't become part of the horrible statistics. I want him to achieve. I want him to excel. I want him to feel love again.

Tonight I am thankful that God has lead us to our two beautiful, sweet girls. I pray that somehow, in some fashion, our road and that, now not so little blond boy's road will cross again. Until that day, we will continue to pray for and love him from afar.

Birthday

Today our little man turns 12.

Doesn't seem like so long ago, he was here. We celebrated his birthday a few days early (before he headed back to Ukraine) with him in 2007 when he came to visit over Christmas. He was so excited about a party. He wanted to invite all his friends and have Ramen noodles and "Grandpa" chicken for his birthday. So last year on January 14, to celebrate Max's birthday, we took Hannah to Kentucky Fried Chicken to have "Grandpa" chicken. Today, the weather is nasty (snowing and blowing), so Hannah and I stayed home. Maybe we'll celebrate a day late.

I miss him so much. It's days like today that my heart aches. I know God had a plan, and that plan was for us to show Max the love of a family and the love of the Holy Father. In a way, I feel that we saved him from being an orphan, even if it was through his Mom returning to get him and take him home.

There are still toys in the closet that are his that I mean to give to Jen for her boys. There is a huge remote control digger that Uncle Kevin got him sitting in the closet. Walking past the Batman cape, makes me smile. Thinking about him trying to ride his bike makes me giggle. Giving those things away gives me closure....but also closes the door of a chapter in our lives.

So tonight, as I sit in my warm house, I wonder....is he happy? Is he warm? Did he have a good birthday? Did he do something special today? What did his mom do for him to make the day special? Does he still take time to thank Jesus for all that he has? Does he know that he will forever have a Mama and Papa in America that will love him forever?

I will continue to pray for our little man. I pray that Max is loved, that he is happy, warm and well cared for. I pray that he remembers the love of his American family, and the love of his Eternal Father.

Mission Max

A year ago this time our mission was to bring Max home and make him a part of our family. Because he went home with his birth mother, our mission has changed a little. Our mission is now to keep in contact with Max and support he and his family how ever we can.

We still have pictures of our little man on the refrigerator and Hannah knows who he is. We talk about Max with her and include him in our prayers each night.

We were able to call Ukraine and talk to Max today. We have a wonderful friend; Anya; who has been an awesome translator for us during the kids stay in Ohio for the past few summers. Anya lives in Ukraine and works with orphans through out the year. We are able to call Anya, who then calls Max. Max still knows a little of his English, but typically uses his Russian to talk to us through Anya. He sounds happy, which makes us happy. Like any typical 11 year old, the concept of money and time escapes him. He wants to know when we are coming to visit him and why we can't call him every day! When he asked, I told him it costs money to fly to and call Ukraine. His response was simple "Do you still have the jar of money with my picture on it? [Yes....] Well, use that money to but plane tickets to come visit!" Oh, if it was only that easy!!

We sent Max a box of goodies before the 4th of July. Today when we talked to him I asked him what kind of school supplies he needed. He gave me a list, a small list at first. But then the list began to grow. Here is what he has asked for so far:

• markers


• notebooks


• pens


• pencils


• a ruler


• a pencil box

Sounds simple enough, I know. The longer we talked, the more he thought about Ohio and all the things he left here, thinking he would return home shortly, and the list continued to grow.

• a Superman backpack (simple enough)


• the Superman outfit Grandma gave me for Christmas (the blow up one!)


• George, his bear from Grandma at Christmas


• his watch (....oh and one for his sister Tonya too!)


• and his secret box (the one he kept all his letters in!)

Too funny! I think I will have to send many small shipments to get it all to him. Truth be told, I would gladly send all this to him and more! We love to talk to our little man, and knowing that we put a smile on his face each time a box arrives at his door in Ukraine from Ohio USA, makes me happy, and ready to do it again!