Overwhelmed

I have to admit...I am overwhelmed. 

Our homestudy will be completed in record time.  And now it is time to head into phase two.  The part where the blood, sweat, and tears come--the out of country pieces.  Each document has to be notarized, county notarized, and state apostilled. 

I have told many people, if we went back to Max's country, I want to bring home two kiddos.  I feel strongly that every child is deserving of a family, regardless of his/her abilities.  I can't help  but be grateful for all the opportunities children with disabilities have in our country.  I think about where my sister Amy would be if she was born in another country. 

Since bringing Hannah home I have felt God calling us to continue adopting children with special needs.  I have no doubt that as a family, as a parent, and as a mother I can handle another child's needs medically, mentally, and physically. 

Let me back up.....many years.  When I was little, I wanted to be a nurse--to help people.  When I passed out at the sight of my own blood after pulling my tooth, I decided nursing wasn't the right path.  At that time, my youngest sister; Amy, was attending a special needs preschool classroom at the county DD.  Each spring, the entire school- kids from ages 3 to 22 would make a trip to our family farm.  It was then, that I knew I wanted to be a special education teacher.  I have always wanted to help--to help children learn to the best of their ability.  I love to root for the underdog.  I live to rejoice in the simple triumphs.  I love my job as a special education teacher.  My students in my class were my kids long before I had my own.  The kids in my class and I become a family because we are together for six years.  I feel blessed to work in the district I grew up in, the district I live in, and the district where my children go.

Yet now, as I look into adoption, I am beginning to wonder in my own ability.  Can I be a good mother and teacher?  In our district, I am the only teacher at the grade school level for children with multiple disabilities.  Any child who has multiple, intensive needs, come to me.  And so, there is a good chance that any of my own children might fit in that category.  Is it fair for me to be my child's teacher for 6 years?  If he/she doesn't succeed educationally, it's my fault as a parent and as an educator.  In the education world, I'm considered "old and expensive", meaning if I applied for another job, there are many others that are new to education and cost less money to hire. 

I know the Lord has lead me to this point.  I am in the right company--that of special needs.  I just feel that right now I am in the education department, and I need to be in the parent department.  He designed me to love children who are "wonderfully abled".  I need to find the balance and confidence to take that giant leap and see where it leads me.....

And so, I will continue to pray that God continues to guide our lives and lead us down the road that he has had planned for us.