I have to admit...I am overwhelmed.
I have told many people, if we went back to Max's country, I want to bring home two kiddos. I feel strongly that every child is deserving of a family, regardless of his/her abilities. I can't help but be grateful for all the opportunities children with disabilities have in our country. I think about where my sister Amy would be if she was born in another country.
Since bringing Hannah home I have felt God calling us to continue adopting children with special needs. I have no doubt that as a family, as a parent, and as a mother I can handle another child's needs medically, mentally, and physically.
Let me back up.....many years. When I was little, I wanted to be a nurse--to help people. When I passed out at the sight of my own blood after pulling my tooth, I decided nursing wasn't the right path. At that time, my youngest sister; Amy, was attending a special needs preschool classroom at the county DD. Each spring, the entire school- kids from ages 3 to 22 would make a trip to our family farm. It was then, that I knew I wanted to be a special education teacher. I have always wanted to help--to help children learn to the best of their ability. I love to root for the underdog. I live to rejoice in the simple triumphs. I love my job as a special education teacher. My students in my class were my kids long before I had my own. The kids in my class and I become a family because we are together for six years. I feel blessed to work in the district I grew up in, the district I live in, and the district where my children go.
Yet now, as I look into adoption, I am beginning to wonder in my own ability. Can I be a good mother and teacher? In our district, I am the only teacher at the grade school level for children with multiple disabilities. Any child who has multiple, intensive needs, come to me. And so, there is a good chance that any of my own children might fit in that category. Is it fair for me to be my child's teacher for 6 years? If he/she doesn't succeed educationally, it's my fault as a parent and as an educator. In the education world, I'm considered "old and expensive", meaning if I applied for another job, there are many others that are new to education and cost less money to hire.
I know the Lord has lead me to this point. I am in the right company--that of special needs. I just feel that right now I am in the education department, and I need to be in the parent department. He designed me to love children who are "wonderfully abled". I need to find the balance and confidence to take that giant leap and see where it leads me.....
And so, I will continue to pray that God continues to guide our lives and lead us down the road that he has had planned for us.