A neglected blog. So many times when I lay my head on the pillow, I wish that there was some great technology that could record my thoughts and put them into words on a page. There are so many words and emotions that are raw and real. Things that I imagine saying to others, about important things, but afraid of how others will perceive them. And so, all too often I fall asleep with many thoughts running through my mind. (I seem to do my best thinking as my head hits the pillow. Maybe it's because there is no one asking for chocolate milk, help with homework, or rolled over. It is quiet. Time to reflect upon the day and talk to God.)
Our days are busy. Filled with school, preparing family meals, feeding kiddos, baths, prayers, homework, laundry, chores, and baking to raise funds for a wheel chair lift. The work is never done. Life with four kids keeps us busy. Having three with special needs is a rewarding challenge. Having a teenager with many emotional scars that are still very evident has its tough moments. Yet, through it all, I wonder if I couldn't stretch myself and do more.
At a recent ladies bible study, one asked, "Is there something that God laid on your hear that you feel like you aren't doing?" In that moment, I could have cried my eyes out. I knew instantly. It's one of those thoughts that swirl around in my head every night as I lay my head on the pillow. It's a desire and calling that God has placed on my heart. Mission work. Adoption. When I was asked, I began to cry. It's so raw. The wounds are still evident. Adoption and mission work has wrecked my life--in an awesome way.
We have traveled several times to adopt children from foreign countries. We have seen good and poor orphanage settings.
It is these pictures, these children that remind me that I can, and should be doing more. Sure, maybe God is pleased with the work I've done so far. We've been blessed that He has called us to adopt. We are blessed that each time he stirred our hearts for orphans. Three with special needs. But God continues to speak into my heart for orphans.
So what is stopping me? Holding me back? Fear. Fear of the unknown. It's Satan's way of taking hold--telling me it can't be done. Telling me we have enough on our plate right now. And then, just as HE has always reassured me, I hear the Lord remind me that nothing is impossible. He will guide and protect me if I place my faith solely in Him.
As I cried tears for this tiny, 10 pound, five year old, God is reminding me that nothing is impossible if I put my faith in Him. I'm reminded that I am just like those pictures of the children I see--asking God to wait for me as I stumble through life, making mistakes. Asking God to not forget about me. Telling Him, "I need you Lord!"
The bible verse that defines my life is James 1:27- Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after the orphans and widows in their distress and keep oneself from being polluted by the world.
We CAN do more. We should be doing more. Lord, break my heart for what breaks yours.