Not feeling it....

The holiday music has begun.  The stores are advertising heavily.  The black Friday ads were hung on our mailbox today.  Yet, I'm not the slightest bit ready to celebrate Thanksgiving or Christmas emotionally.
Every time I think about Thanksgiving and Christmas, I think of our family--immediate and extended around the table.  So many people, so much to be thankful for, and yet, every time I picture this, I feel the tears welling up inside me.  One of the members of our family, our official family, is thousands of miles away.  Alone.  Apart from his family.  For this reason, I have seriously debated holing up in the house on Thanksgiving and Christmas.  I'm afraid I will be no fun to be around.  I'll be spending the day thinking of our teenage son, fighting back tears, and be a bear to be around.
To say it simply- It's not fair.  My kid made a mistake.  A mistake that here in America, as a juvenile, he would have been turned over to his parents and given a stiff warning.  Possibly some community service.  In his country, they talked about putting him in prison for three years.  For stealing something in order to buy food, because he was hungry.  Instead of prison, he's on probation.  He's not allowed to leave the state.  My son is no angel, I'm perfectly aware of that.  But why, if a kid is nuisance, wouldn't you be happy to get him out of your hair?  Out of the country?  But instead, he has to stay.
When we talked to Max last weekend, he sounded very down.  I could hear the despair in his voice.  He was on such a high in September.  He was going home--forever.  Someone was actually coming for him.  Coming to make him a part of a family.  A forever family.  He is a part of our family.  He legally has our last name.  But he is stuck in another country.

As I think about our boy, he has to spend another Thanksgiving, another Christmas, and another birthday away from his official, legal family.  It stinks--really stinks.  Then I think about all the other kids at the orphanage.  At least Max has hope--hope in knowing this is his last Thanksgiving, his last Christmas, and his last birthday at the orphanage.  There are 160 other children there that have lost hope of ever finding a family.  The kids are older, unwanted, maybe not even registered to be adopted because of some clerical error.
I'm not sure who Christmas will be harder for this year- Max, or the other children.  Max knows it's his last in Ukraine, but he also understands the fun, family, and joy that Christmas brings.  And he's stuck.  He's missing Christmas with his family.  The other kids don't understand what they are missing, yet as Max shares about what Christmas (and birthdays) are like with a family, those children have little hope of ever having the opportunity to know the love of a family to celebrate with.
I think about the kids in the orphanage.  Everything is community property.  There is a closet in Max's room that he shares with 5 other boys.  Each day, those boys go to the one closet in the room, and wear clothes that are in the closet.  The clothes may be a little big, possibly a little small, but that's what is in the closet.  He has a shelf with his name on it.  This shelf holds a bar of soap, a toothbrush, and toothpaste that is his.  That's it--something that is all his and not community property.
So please excuse my under-excited attitude about Christmas presents this year.  Another trip half way around the world has again reminded me how fortunate we are.  We may have only $5.00 in our pocket, and have "nothing to wear" though our closet is full of clothes.  Our children have countless toys and a dresser full of clothes.  The presents we will purchase will be the "favorite" for days/weeks, then will become one of the many other toys that sit on a shelf.  My children, my family have warm food in their bellies each day, a roof over their head, someone to kiss them, reassure them, support them, and love them.  Oh how I pray for those who do not have these simple joys, those joys we take for granted.
So if I seem a little be-humbugish, there's the reason.  I'm just not feeling it this year.  I would rather have nothing under the tree this year.  I would rather be in a stark, dank orphanage room with my son and my family, just enjoying being together.  He's not the only one wishing time would pass quickly so that his "forever family" would be together again.

Van fairy

Oh, how I wish there was a van fairy.  You know, a little fairy who instantly knew when you had outgrown your current vehicle. And if you put your keys under your pillow at night, he/she would come and replace your keys with another set to a larger version of the van you had before.
In the summer of 2009, right before we traveled to Ukraine, we realized our Toyota 4Runner was not big enough to hold two girls and two strollers when we wanted to go places as a family.  So we bit the bullet and bought a mini van.

And now, a little over 2 years later, it feels as though we have outgrown the mini van!  The saying always goes "if I had known what I know now....", yeah well, I'm feeling that way right about now!
Before we adopted Mila we had no idea that she would be a wheelchair kind of kiddo.  I guess we took for granted that Hannah has CP and so does Mila, and not all CP kiddos are cut from the same mold.  Hannah has graduated from walker to walking independently.  Though she uses a medical stroller for long distances (like a trip tot he zoo), most short distances, like down the school hallway, she is walking independently.  Mila on the other hand, utilizes a wheelchair for most outings, both school and leisure.

Our van has worked well with two children as we have typically kept the back seat folded into the floor and used the back space to roll Mila's wheelchair in and have Hannah's stroller if needed.  Now, with Eli home, we need to have the third row seat up for the third child.  Even though our van is 2 years old, the 3 row seat is not split 60/40.  It's all or nothing up/down.  So now, with the third row seat up, we have the well behind the third row to put the wheelchair in.

If you were to see me trying to get Mila's wheelchair out of the van in the school parking lot, you might think I was part of a stunt double take during a movie!  Or, maybe it would be better fitting on America's Funniest Home Videos.  Her's the one time I'll say it, I'm short....short enough that trying to get Mila's wheelchair out of the back of the van with the wheels on is no fun at all.  SO, I take the wheels off.  So now each day when I take the wheelchair out of the van, I have to put the wheels back on it before putting Mila in it.  And after I put her into the van, I pop the wheels off the wheelchair, hoof the frame into the back of the van, then put the wheels in.  This is all fine and dandy when the weather is nice, but once the winter slush begins, I'll be a wet mess on a daily basis!

We've been looking for options.  There are plenty of lifts/hoists, but most utilize the space in the third row for the lift.  If we take the third row out, we can't travel as a family.  If we put the lift (there is only ONE option that will work with our van and leaving the third row up) in, we will never again be able to put the seat down.  The other bad part is, with the seat up, we can only fit Mila's wheelchair in the back, so there is no room for Hannah's medical stroller or a stroller for Eli.  OY, gracious!
We've looked at other vans with a 60/40 split back seat, but I'm not sure that's the best option.  The lift sounds okay, but I'm wondering how long it will be until her wheelchair is too big to fit in the back well of the van.  Is it really time to go to a 12 passenger van?

I'm spoiled that my van is in a garage.  Our garage is not attached to our home, so I typically make three trips out tot he car each morning, but at least I'm in the garage while putting children in the van and fastening seat belts.  If we go to a 12 passenger van, it will no longer fit in the garage.  :(  I'm also spoiled that y current van has automatic doors and back hatch.  It is very nice to get Mila under the back hatch and keep her dry while putting her in or taking her out of the wheelchair.

Is it too much to ask for the van fairy to come and make all my dreams come true so that our family can all ride together and have space for the many seating needs of my kiddos?  If he/she promises to come, I'll leave MY van keys under my pillow!