It is Sunday afternoon and I should be working on school work for the upcoming week. The house is quiet because everyone (other than me) is napping. Sitting in a quiet house allows me time to slow down the "go, go go" pace, and take a minute to reflect on the day, the week, the month....you get the point.
We have been home with Mila for three months. Amazing how time flies. The girls and I have been back in school for three weeks. As I started back to school being a mother of two, things are more hectic (obviously, right?). It takes us longer to get ready in the morning, more trips to get everyone out the door, and longer to get into school with a walker and a stroller. Overall, we have found ourselves in a routine that works well.
Do you ever have one of those "feelings" that is like heartburn? Sometimes you can control the feeling and other times it is out of control? Lately I've been in the "out of control" range. Let me begin by saying, I have known for a LONG time what I wanted to do with my life--since I was six. I thought I wanted to be a nurse until I passed out at the sight of my own blood from my first pulled tooth....so then switched to wanting to be a special education teacher). My sister Amy made such an impact on my life, I knew I wanted to work with kiddos who needed a loving teacher to nurture them academically and socially. And lately, I've been feeling like I'm in the right profession, just the wrong department of the job. This feeling has been reoccurring for some time now (since before we adopted Mila), and at times I am busy living life and the feeling doesn't bother me, and then other times, that 'feeling' flares up, and it's out of control.
I think God put me in the right job of caring for kiddos with special needs. Lately, what I feel him calling me to do is be a mother to children with special needs. Yes, I know we have two kiddos already, but we would love to have more. And I wouldn't mind caring for children with more needs than our two girls have. But with those extensive needs comes more time commitments in the form of therapies and doctor appointments. There is a balance between work and Mom that I am doing an adequate job with now, but with more kiddos, how do I keep the two of those entities balanced? I can be a good Mom and a good teacher, but I want to be 'Great' at both.
And so as I struggled to sleep this week, I realized instead of worrying, I need to pray. I'm not asking for direct answers, but asking God to use me as He will. I realize I need to be patient, and listen. I need to spend more time with Him, reading his word. Doug and I can talk, plan, and dream until we are blue in the face, but if it isn't in God's plan for us, then we have wasted a lot of time planning for nothing.
This week has put me back in the mindset of "materialistic things mean nothing. Love is everything". We don't have a lot of extra money right now and there are plenty of things I would like to have (like new couches that aren't from the 80's), but in the end, those things don't matter. I am truly blessed. I have a roof over my head with no mortgage payment (for that during this time we are truly blessed), a wonderful husband who loves me unconditionally, a great family who loves our girls with 'abilities' and embraces our choice of adoption, and two wonderful, beautiful daughters who God created perfectly. What else could I ask for? Nothing!
And so, what is the remedy for this "feeling'? Prayer. It seems to be the best medicine. The more doses you take in a day, the better you feel. It's practically a cure-all! Not to worry, you can't overdose on this medicine!