Tickets have been purchased for our return trip, so we are now in the countdown to bringing our big boy home. We're still in prayer that the last bit of money needed for our trip will appear before we need to travel.
As time draws closer, the more anxious our son is becoming. He is so ready to be a part of a family. Those "what ifs? What will happen when? and How will I?", that he put on a back burner are all becoming more real, more present, more realistic.
This "trip" will be very different than any other he has ever been on. This "trip" is forever. Forever. Wow. It feels like it has taken forever to get to FOREVER. All other trips our son has been on, he came, he visited, he was part of family, had fun, visited friends and family, and was able to rely on those that spoke his native language or when he didn't understand something, wave his hand at us and shrug his shoulders, and we all just chalked it up as a language barrier.
This trip, is FOREVER. He HAS to learn a new language. Early in his thoughts of FOREVER, he felt like he knew a good bit of the English language and that he would be fine. As time draws closer, he has expressed many concerns about school, learning English, and how he will understand the content of school subjects and conversations between classmates and friends.
I've wanted to prepare his room. The room he first slept in 7 years ago. The room he calls his own. I want to have it all ready for him. But, our son has never had his OWN room. He has never been able to pick out paint colors for his walls, a bed, sheets for his bed, or where he wants his furniture to be. He wants to build his own bed with the help of his Papa. He told me he wants his walls to be green, light green, but not 'Shrek' green. Do you know how many shades of light green there are?? So with the suggestion of my husband we bought primer and brought home many light green paint samples home. We'll prime the walls white and when he arrives home, he can pick the paint color and help paint HIS room. In conversation, I told him we were going to paint the walls white so when he got home, he could choose the color. His response? "Mom, not white, like the hospital....please." The thought of white stirring up bad/painful memories had not even crossed my mind. The last thhing we want for our son, is to come to his safe, loving, forever home, and have bad dreams when he closes his eyes. (Anyone up for a paint party?)
How many other little things will be triggers for him? How many colors, smells, sounds will bring memories flooding back? It hurts my heart to know that many of our son's memories are sad, defeating memories. Memories of loss, disappointment, fear, and physical, mental, and emotional hurt. Our son is older and has the ability to express these things to us. How many colors, smells, and sounds triggered memories for the girls and Eli that they were not able to express to us?
We've reassured him that learning a new language will be hard, but we will be there to help him with the language, the homework, and everything in between. We are his family. We are forever, and nothing will ever change that. We plan to make many memories together--good memories.